January 23, 2013

When You Can’t Do It All

screen print by James Brown – click for info

When I was young I used to love our annual visits to the family of my mum’s sister. They were such interesting people, particularly my aunt. Her many and varied hobbies included wildlife rescue work, auto mechanics, and fashion, and she often accompanied her sleepercutter (lumberjack) husband into the forest to fell trees. What an exciting life she seemed to lead. My own mother seemed so mundane by comparison.

I once asked my mother why she didn’t do more fun stuff like that, and she told me something that has stuck with me. She said, “All of that would be interesting but I would still have to do all my housework when I got home, and I just cannot do it all.”  I felt very annoyed on her part, and resented how my dad was keeping her down, stopping her from being fulfilled. Of course, the issue was not so clear cut as that; Mum wasn’t really a dull housewife and Dad was not a domineering taskmaster. My mother loves handcrafts, music, and books, and she made time to sing, sew, and tutor kids. My dad, while saying a woman belongs in the home, taught me to roof and gutter and supported my ambition to enter the trades.

As a work-at-home mother to young children, I am really trying to do and have it all, the thing my mother said she could not do. And right now we are remodeling a room in our home, turning the master bedroom into an amazing playroom. My husband and I are doing the work ourselves, and instead of the usual struggle I have to balance housework, mothering, and my business, I have hit right up against the blunt reality that I truly cannot do it all. Not “I can’t do it all as well as I like,” but that it is physically impossible. And the thing I enjoy so much, building things, is the thing I feel like I shouldn’t do.

I discovered the real person holding me down is me.

Luckily for me my husband won’t let me get away with that. His nudges for me to hire help range from the pragmatic — “a teenager to watch the kids is cheaper than a carpenter” — to the sarcastic — “it sure is lucky that when you are working big days we all stop eating and wearing clothes.” So I have hired help. And I hate it. I feel guilty and annoyed and lazy to need other people in this way. Even when the housework is a hated obligation, it is hard to give the task to another person who won’t do it exactly right.

So what is the answer, and where does all this lead? I don’t know. I hope I will get better at letting go with practice. I know that it is different for everyone, but I hope some of you can offer ideas or support.

All I know is that I am pushing ahead and trying, and that is all anyone can do.

Filed Under: Plot Notes, The Setting Tagged With: , 6 Comments
August 9, 2012

Working at Home? You Can’t Have it All

artwork by Mother and Three Sons – click for info

Most people will agree that being a mother is work. Children are a blessing, and we love them very much, but sometimes they are pretty inconvenient. Especially if you, like me, are that hybrid of the stay at home mother and the working outside the home parent, the work at home mum.

Last night my husband and I sat down to watch a movie. Its run time was 1:30. It took us 3 hours to finish it. Why? Because of the little people who live in our house. They ebb and flow around us, asking questions, and for help with the potty and the light switch, and cutting up an apple, and so on, and on. This is life with three children under 6, and we are used to it, and we enjoy it most of the time.

Today I sat down to sew. And what should have taken 1 ½ hours took three. I got cranky and frustrated. This morning while I was writing this post my baby crawled under the desk and flipped the switch on the surge strip (it does have a blinking red light in the switch, so, really, who could blame him?), prompting a small tantrum (from me) and a rewrite.

I felt happy and relaxed after finishing the oft interrupted movie; I felt frustrated and snappish when I was done with my sewing. The difference was I planned for the interruptions in the movie; I didn’t plan on any while I was sewing. I wanted to get in the zone and stay there. But you know what? I can’t have it all.  I cannot be at home with my kids full time and work full time at the same time.

I have chosen a compromise and I need to own it.

The interruptions my kids cause are a normal part of being a work at home mother.

So what will happen if I start viewing the interruptions my children create in my work schedule as expected and routine? Start estimating the time that projects will take including interruptions? Start scheduling my work around them instead of the other way around? I don’t know yet, but I am certain it will be better than what I am doing now.

What I don’t get is, why has it taken me so long to figure this out?

Filed Under: Plot Notes Tagged With: , , 7 Comments
July 16, 2012

On Summer Slumber and Ambition

“Sleeping Summer Sunset” by Kayla Skogh – click for info

I had a completely different post ready for you today, but during these past few weeks the onslaught of summer has led me to a delightful dilly of a pickle. To quote a friend, summer’s simply got “a hold on me.”

It’s sunny and hot; farmers’ markets are overflowing with fresh produce, enticing me to indulge my inner foodie; I’m less than a five-minute walk from a beach, a gelato shop, and four coffee shop patios.

If that wasn’t enough, I just spent a blissful week by a lake in the woods where the soundtrack was predominantly nature-made, and the most pressing question was which bag of potato chips I’d open next.

How on earth is a girl to engage into full work mode under such circumstances?

Very gently, I say.

Here’s the dilemma: Sultry summer is here (in the northern hemisphere), bringing with it a desire to kick back and relax, but for many of us–some by choice and others not, work goals remain.

How does one reconcile the slumber-filled nature of summer with the ambitious tone of work and deadlines?

After turning it around in my head for the past week, I came up with a few ideas that may help:

Re-evaluate your priorities. What really needs to get done? Why? Focus on your short list; the rest is gravy.

If you can, reduce or manage work expectations, especially the week after summer vacation.

Plan your work on a calendar. By knowing when you need to get things done to meet your summer goals, you’ll know exactly how much catching up you’ll have to do when you ditch the office for an impromptu day at the water park.

Take it outside. There’s no reason you can’t enjoy a cool drink and soak up the sun while getting things done.

Know when it’s time to push and buckle down. Commit to spending a specific amount of time working, and honor it. When you’re done, reward yourself with something completely summer-licious like a bowl of berries, [insert refreshment of choice here] on a patio, or an afternoon at the beach.

Know when it’s time to ease up. Summer is short and so is life. Sometimes plans are meant to be chucked aside for good old-fashioned fun in the sun. No calculations, no justifications necessary.

How do you approach work during the summer?

Do you shift your habits at all? If so, what do you do differently?

Filed Under: Buy You, For You Tagged With: , , , , , 5 Comments
June 28, 2012

Flakiness: Breakfast of Champions

I’ve always taken great pride in doing what I say I’m going to do – even if it no longer makes sense, even if I start to wish I’d said no in the first place. To do otherwise would be…flaky. And I hate flaky.

But, as I wrote to a friend recently, I’m creating a new relationship with flakiness.

I’ve realized that the ability to change course isn’t a hallmark of unreliability; conducted gracefully, it’s all about freedom and flexibility.

I’ve taken stock of all the areas where I place my energy and found that some of them just aren’t getting the results I want. And more importantly, they aren’t making me feel the way I want to feel: free.

I’ve been steadily clearing out those projects and promises from my life, but before I let each one go, the taskmaster voice in my mind whispers, “Tsk tsk, so flaky of you! You said you’d do this daily/indefinitely/until you succeeded…”

It’s tempting to hang onto that strange comfort of commitment and staying busy, but in the end it feels far more exciting and freeing to let go.

To that end, I’ve been slowly dismantling my small business over the past few months.

I woke up to find that I resented working on top of my other work, and that the thing I’d created in order to feel free was weighing me down, was preventing me from being present to other aspects of my life. Not only that, but I’d gotten myself tied deep into a business model that wouldn’t, even upon success, create the kind of life I truly wanted.

Letting go in that situation seems like a no-brainer. But charting another course is hard, especially when I confuse freedom and unreliability, or have connected some of my personal identity with my work.

So I let go piece by piece, responsibly, and with grace. With each letting go, I checked in: does this feel right? And it did. So I kept on.

I know there’s a path to what I want out there for me, and I’m clearing space for it. In the meantime, I’m chasing the feelings of freedom I desire through sunshine, adventure, beach trips, and snuggling my son. In short, I’m taking a break.

This will be my last post for Scoutie Girl. I’ve loved the opportunity to write here and commune with all of you. Thank you.

Before I go, let me offer my parting shot:

Are there things in your life you want to let go? What’s holding you back?

Are you getting what you want from your endeavors? Are you feeling the way you hoped to feel?

If not, what can you change?

With lots of love,

xo Maeg

Filed Under: Creative Call to Action, Plot Notes Tagged With: , , , , , , 5 Comments
June 6, 2012

working from the heart

This is an excerpt from Susannah Conway’s new book, This I Know: Notes on Unravelling Heart. Want to win your own copy of Susannah’s book? Leave a comment below and you’ll be entered!

Turning our passions into a job does not always work out and not everyone wants to do their passion full-time. For some they remain wonderful pastimes that bring joy and fulfillment exactly as they are. But for those of us who are dissatisfied with our day jobs and feel called to find work that reflects our true interests, the clues to achieving this are already in our lives — we just need to know where to look for them.

The first clue is how you spend your spare time away from your day job. Do your interests involve volunteering or travel? Do you like to make things? Are you a member of any societies? Do you like to be out in nature or working on projects at home? What books and magazines do you buy? What would you do every day, even if you weren’t getting paid? Sometimes our passions are not obvious, so pay attention to what you do rather than what you say. If you’re not sure where your true passions lie, or feel you have too many, think about the interests you had as a child — what did you want to be when you grew up? Is there anything in your life now that reflects those early dreams?

When was the last time you were really excited about something?

Next, think about where your true talents lie. What comes easily to you? What are you good at? It might be organizing gatherings and managing people or maybe you’re the next Nigella Lawson in the kitchen. Do you have a knack for color coordination, or are you the dog whisperer in your family? What do your friends ask you to help them with? What have you always had a flare for?

Be sure to consider the difference between the pastimes you enjoy and the skills you have a true aptitude for. For example, I’ve always enjoyed painting and am in awe of artists who draw from their imaginations, but while playing with paints and canvas is fun once in a while, I know my true talents lie elsewhere. I could learn to paint better, but it doesn’t come naturally to me. Taking well-composed and evocative photographs, on the other hand, has always been my gift.

True talents can be honed and expanded but from the very beginning there’s an ease threaded through them.

My sister is a gifted illustrator and teacher, and whenever I’ve seen her teach I’m impressed by how she wrangles a room full of art students, opening their heads and shining a light inside. I, on the other hand, teach best online, using images and writing to inspire, connect, and create community. When we find the right forum for our true talents, synapses spark and ideas solidify.

Think about where your true talents intersect with how you spend your time. Where’s the sweet spot for you? When my e-courses took off it became clear how my hobby — blogging and online socializing — and my true talent — photography — melded so well together. I’d been creating the pathway to work I was passionate about, unbeknown to me.

The final factors to consider are the community and connections you have around you, and how you inhabit that world.

If we hope to be paid for the work we do it can’t be done in a vacuum; at some point other people will need to get involved. At its most basic, work is giving our time, services, or goods in exchange for money from an employer, client, or customer. If the skills you have mean you’ll be making a product then you’re in search of customers; if you offer a service, you need to find clients. It may be that your true talents are best shared with an employer, but no matter whether you’re selling goods or your time, other people are necessary.

As an introverted soul, I like the relative privacy my online business gives me, despite seemingly being “out there” all the time. Working from home is perfect for me but a more extroverted person would likely find it isolating.

What suits your personality?

Working for ourselves brings a sense of freedom into our lives, but it can also get lonely—do you work better with a partner or a team? Who can you reach out to in your community right now?

I’ve only touched on a few possibilities in the space I have here, but whether you’re in between jobs, craving change, going back to work after a period away or just sure that you were meant for something more, the best place to start is within, unraveling the dreams that call to you when you close your eyes.

And of course, not everyone wants to change jobs, but having spent time with my community, both off- and online, I know that if you’re creatively inclined and feel drawn to the thoughts in this book, you most likely yearn to express your authentic self in all you do. It’s a desire that touches all parts of our lives, from our relationships with our family and friends, to our work, beliefs and even the place we live. It doesn’t surprise me that the years I struggled with my working life were also the years I was the least connected to myself.

And this is why we unravel — to heal the hurts of the past so we can move forward unencumbered by the baggage that’s kept us small; to heal the hurts of the present so we live each day with intention and awareness; and to know how to heal the future hurts when they happen, because they will and we’ll be ready.

 

Susannah Conway is the author of This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart (SKIRT!, June 2012). A photographer, writer and e-course creator, her classes have been enjoyed by thousands of people from around the world. Co-author of Instant Love: How to Make Magic and Memories with Polaroids (Chronicle Books, 2012), Susannah helps others reconnect to their true selves, using photography as the key to open the door. You can read more about her shenanigans on her blog at SusannahConway.com and connect with her on Twitter: @SusannahConway.

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Win your own copy of This I Know!

One lucky Scoutie Girl reader will receive a copy of Susannah’s book. Simply leave a comment below and you’ll be entered. Winner will be notified via email by June 15, 2012.

Filed Under: book review, Buy You, For You, guest posts, Read & Play Tagged With: , , , , , , , 41 Comments