January 22, 2013

Keeping My Assumptions in Check: A Cautionary Tale

“Donkey and wall” By Malias – click image for details

You’ve heard the age-old adage:

“Assume and you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’”

I must confess, I never truly got it until recently.

I recently came out of an interesting situation. It was an association that started off fine and somewhere along the way, based on assumptions on my end and the other person’s end, led to thoughts and emotions that were just plain inaccurate.

In some situations, some people assume the best while others assume the worst; in either case assumptions are not a good idea.

Assumptions are our egos’ way of imposing our own reality on the reality of others.

And this is a big no-no.

Our realities are influenced by our experiences, our thought processes, our fears, our hurt, our hopes, and our own unique way of being and existing.

Key word: “our.”

To think that we can fathom exactly how anyone else thinks is quite arrogant, which makes us an ass.

And these assumptions make us believe things that may not be true about another person — which, depending on our thoughts, make them an ass by either living up to our assumptions or by not living up to them.

Assumptions are dangerous because often there is emotional weight that comes with them, and that emotional weight leaves a residue within us. That residue is like a tarnished spot on your opinion of the other person, a self-imposed tarnish that is completely the onus of the conflict caused by your assumption.

Assumptions cause conflict internally and externally.

Fortunately, the external conflict can dissipate after a while; unfortunately, the internal ones can remain. They can fester and they can lead to more assumptions later.

I hope to eliminate assumptions from my world by implementing the following ideas into all my relationships:

1. Express myself openly, honestly, and repetitively.
“Open and honest communication” has been my motto in my new romantic relationship. This is an idea that should be adapted to all relationships, with one addition: repetition. Communicate with people in your life openly, honestly, and repetitively and actively encourage them to do the same. And remember communication isn’t just what you say, but what you do.

2. Check my ego at the door.
Whenever I find myself thinking a thought about someone else, I should ask myself: “Is this my ego speaking on their behalf?” My ego is not a good proxy for anyone. Whenever it wants to step in and make a judgement call, I will leave it at the door.

3. Ask instead of assuming.
If ever there is conflict or the temptation to assume, I will instead ask. It’s a much easier way to get a true answer.

How do you keep your assumptions in check? Have you ever let them get the best of you? How did you resolve the issue?

Filed Under: Plot Notes Tagged With: 2 Comments
August 17, 2012

Music Review: Underwater

I swear that every time I feel like perhaps I’m starting to figure this life thing out, life laughs and proves to me otherwise. Life has been tugging at me lately, pleading with me to realize and understand how fleeting it is, and how we have no idea when our time to leave will come. We would drive ourselves crazy if we worried each day as we left the house, that it might be our last. However, I’m starting to think that something needs to change, shift, balance.

Let me ask you this, do you have things you have left unsaid to people in your life? Things you need closure around? How would you feel if something happened to them and you never had the chance? Yet instead you get to live, knowing that they never knew that you forgave them, that you were okay, that in the grand scheme of things whatever it was really didn’t matter.

I know people have done things to you that are unforgivable. But tell me, what does holding on to that really do for you?

What do you really gain? And if you left this world today, would you be content with how you left things?

Joshua Radin, is someone I’ve been a fan of for a very long time. I’m the type of person that has go to music for the different seasons, but I let his voice fill up my whole year. His music calms me in the summer, slows me down in the fall, and warms me up in winter. If you’re bursting with energy, or in the fetal position crying, his voice will meet you where you’re at.

His new album came out July 31, and I’ve had it on repeat ever since. His first song is called, “Tomorrow is gonna be better,” and although it might be, tomorrow is a hope, not a promise. It is just one more thing reminding me lately to say the things I need to, find the closure I’ve been chasing after, and really reflect on the person I am, and how that matches with the person I want to be.

Joshua Radin is one of those people that sings and causes your mind to wander to various places, to think and ponder. I tend to go through phases where I can’t get enough of his music and where it takes me, and other times where I’m terrified to let his songs play in fear of where they’ll make me wander.

So I urge you to give him a listen, see where he takes you. And do me a favor and live today, not as though it’s your last, like we’re constantly told.

Think about how you might live today differently if it was the last day you could talk to anyone who has ever touched your life.

How would it be different then?

Filed Under: Read & Play Tagged With: , , 2 Comments
May 25, 2012

book review: meeting your half orange

Editor’s note: This is the first post from our new contributor, Tahani Al-Salem. Welcome to Scoutie Girl, Tahani!

Well hello, all!

I wish I could fully express how ecstatic I am to be sharing my words with all of you amazing souls! I’ve been a fan of Scoutie Girl for quite some time now, and the fact that my words are going to be read, by you, kind of astounds me.

To start, here’s a little snippet about me: I constantly have all these thoughts bouncing around, and all this energy for life that I just want to share with others. I want people to realize the amazingness that is this life by being their raw authentic selves, owning it, and working from there. So how do I plan to tackle all of this?

Currently, I’m in school, on my way to becoming a social worker, which I hope to use to combine my love for travel, writing, and empowering others. If there is one thing that people know about me, it’s that I’m always planning and plotting new ways to touch and inspire as many lives as possible. Because to me- that’s what this life thing is all about.

Before I get to the book I’m reviewing, I should probably explain a little about why I read this book in the first place. I’m a big fan of self help books, which always seems to get me a lot of laughs, or perplexed faces. It’s not that I have several issues (although, trust me, I have some!), but that I consider it more like self-empowerment.

There is so much to gain in reading and exploring different ideas about who we are, and how to get the most out of this life we have.

So that leads me to Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match by Amy Spencer.

Now, if you’re in a relationship, or married, don’t stop reading just yet. I think this book could be helpful for you as well, as using the power of positive optimism in our relationships is something I think we could all learn from.

I don’t recall where I first heard about this book, but once I’d heard about it I was set on finding it. So much, that I skipped an afternoon class, hopped the bus, and went on a mission to find it. Once at the bookstore, I quickly scanned the shelves, and found the book in all its brightness. However, it took me quite awhile to muster up the courage to go up and buy the book. All I could think was that here I was, in my early 20s buying a book on dating optimism. Seriously? Is this what my life had come to? As I tried to muster up courage, I stood between bookshelves, opened up the  book, and began reading…

“This book is all about being picky. You’re allowed to want what you want, and you deserve to get it! And if you agree with that premise, you will do just fine.”
~Amy Spencer

And that’s what sold me. I brushed off my uneasiness and realized that buying this book wasn’t an act of desperation, but an act of hope.  And hope is something I can hang with.

Spencer spends the book working to explain how to reframe things, and take them as they are. As I began reading this book I started to realize that there was no way I was going to find what I was looking for if I couldn’t even admit to myself what I was looking for.

“It’s not your job to figure out how you’re going to get what you want. It’s your job to want it. Simply want it badly enough, focus on it with the most positive feelings you can muster, and the energy you create within and around you will bring it straight to you.”
~Amy Spencer

I’m one of those people that is perfectly capable of finding contentment from within, and being happy doing my own thing, but I’ve learned that there is a big difference between want and need. And although I may not need someone, I very much want to find someone, and that is something I need to own. So I own it, okay! I own it!

“The point is, it’s time to start looking at what kind of relationship you want instead of what kind of man you want. Because thinking about the relationship you want is something you can attach feelings to, and it’s the feelings that are important.”
~Amy Spencer

Spencer encourages readers to make a big love list of all the things the kind of relationship they’re looking for would consist of. After reading this book the first time, I started my own big love list, which now stands at six sloppy handwritten pages. So I read it quite often to remind myself of what it is I’m looking for, and every so often I add something I may have missed before.

What I love about this book is that it’s not something you can read just once, but a book that you find yourself going back to and skimming,  or reading over entirely. Because the truth is, being optimistic isn’t always easy and can take a lot of practice.

Be kind with yourself. This is a process, much like anything else.

The great thing about this  book is that it gets you to change the way that you look at things, gives you perspective, and opens your eyes to what has been there all along. Throughout the book I kept laughing to myself because the things Spencer was saying seemed so obvious, but were things I hadn’t really thought of before. I think sometimes reading things on paper helps us to realize that we’re not the only people that go through these things, and that navigating relationships is something that has no right answer, and is a lifelong learning process.

So I encourage you to make your big love list, to put down in words what your ideal relationship looks like.

I’d love to hear what you come up with!

Filed Under: book review, Read & Play Tagged With: , , , , , , , 3 Comments
April 20, 2012

The Courage to Connect

Today I’d like to discuss making connections, online and offline. An essential part of developing your creative business is forming meaningful, helpful connections that will encourage your work.

When we talk about making connections and forming meaningful relationships, what we’re talking about in the end is love. You can get sources of love from your parents, your family, your partner, your kids, your pets, even from professional relationships in a broader sense.

Anytime you’re getting support and encouragement from other people, I see that as a form of love. Obviously we all want to increase these positive connections in our lives, because the more loved and connected you feel, the more creative and productive you’re going to be. It’s important to value and honor all of your supportive personal relationships.

“Love is life. All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love.”
- Leo Tolstoy

Women have a gift for creating new connections, but we often tend to be the givers and caretakers in our relationships. That’s a very admirable characteristic, but it’s also necessary for us to be able to receive. We must all work on being open to receiving support, and love, and encouragement in our relationships – whether they’re personal relationships or professional relationships.

This can start with something as easy as being able to receive a compliment. When people tell you, “Oh you look great today, what a pretty dress!”  you can practice not immediately saying, “Oh this old thing!” Instead, try responding with a generous, simple, “Thank you!” Practice accepting the love that is behind the kind, supportive statements you receive from other people.

I know this is easier to say than to do, and I tend to use the denial strategy quite often as well. When people pay me a compliment on something I’m wearing, I tend to say, “This? I got it at the thrift store.” But I’m practicing being more open and receiving, and I hope you will, too. It could open some new, undiscovered doors for support and love in your life.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
- Anais Nin

During the past several months, I have been traveling through Europe and interviewing many successful women who are publishing books, developing e-courses, and living out their creative, entrepreneurial dreams. It’s easy to get awestruck and overwhelmed by their accomplishments, but I hear again and again that these amazing women often have incredible, supportive networks behind the scenes. No one can do everything alone.

Your job is to build your own personal support system.

Who could give you more time to work on your creative work? How could they support you with paperwork, email, housework, cooking meals, and/or child care? We’re all responsible for building our own supportive networks; this is essential to making our creative work a priority.

“Success occurs in clusters and is born in generosity.”
- Julia Cameron

Surround yourself with optimistic, positive people who are realizing their dreams, and it will definitely help you move closer to your dreams at an increased speed. Be generous with giving compliments (and with accepting them!) and keep good, focused energy in circulation. The flow of positive spirit and generosity will multiply and come back to you in surprising and unexpected ways!

Also, seek out people who are doing what you would most like to do – and don’t be afraid to contact them! People are more accessible these days than ever before through email, Twitter, and Facebook. Often, creative people are happy to answer questions or they might be future collaborators for a special project. You do need to think about what you can offer your collaborators in exchange: what kind of a creative project could you come up with that would benefit both of you?

Don’t be shy. Don’t be afraid to ask others for their feedback and ideas.

Get in touch with the people you admire. Don’t see them as competitors, see them as peers and potential collaborators. The more you can help them, the more they can help you.

We’re all in a network together. The old-fashioned way of thinking is very protective, closed, and doesn’t let other people see what we are doing. The newer, more positive way of thinking is accepting that we are all in a network together, that we have the possibility to connect and collaborate with one another, and that we can help each other in the long run. Making those kind of connections is one dynamic key to getting your creative work out into the world.

One last thing to remember: Once you’ve formed these connections – once you’ve planted the seeds, you must go back and water them, nurture them, and give them light and sunshine and energy, just like with a garden. Plant the seeds of your relationships carefully, then take exquisite care of them so they can grow and flourish.

How do you make most of your personal and creative connections these days – through the Internet or in “real” life?  Have you made real life contacts with people you’ve “met” on the Internet?

Have a great week!

xo

Stephanie

Filed Under: creating action, creativity, Plot Notes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 7 Comments
February 8, 2012

Interpreting the 5 Love Languages

This is a guest post from Monica McCarthy.

love nerd card by TheWallaroo - click for info

I have to admit, when Tara asked me if I’d be interested in writing a guest post about The Five Love Languages I was a bit confused. I’m not a relationship coach. I’m not even married. What insights could I possibly offer on the subject?

But Tara recalled how emphatic I was on the topic during a girl’s night out and admittedly found the topic intriguing.

For those of you who have no idea was I’m talking about, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a book that summarizes “the primary ways of expressing and interpreting love.”

The Five Love Languages Are:

  • Verbal Affirmation
  • Physical Touch
  • Quality Time
  • Acts of Service
  • Gift Giving

Note: You can read more about the languages and take a “self-assessment” test here.

As I sat down to write this post, it hit me: The Love Languages can apply to any relationship, whether romantic or platonic in nature.

The main takeaways from the theory are:

1) We want to receive love the way we give love

2) Not everyone wants the same things.

A side note: The only modification I’d make to the Love Languages-apply-to-any-relationship statement is with Physical Touch. Of course there are completely platonic ways of showing physical closeness, but I’d like to add that in platonic relationships, physical touch could also be defined as physical presence. For example, speaking with someone face to face instead of on the telephone. But that’s just my two cents on that one.

And now for the good stuff…

What you want is what you give.

This is what stuck out to me most from the book: How you give love is how you want to receive love.

If you get the warm fuzzies when you tell your partner, “Wow, that mustache works for you,” chances are you’re hoping he’ll express his love in return with something like, “You look hot in that little black dress.” (Verbal Affirmation)

And if you want to show your roommate you care by doing the dishes, chances are you’re hoping she’ll express her gratitude by scrubbing the shower clean. (Acts of Service)

It all sounds even-Steven doesn’t it?

Except….

Most people are drawn to people who don’t have the same language.

What the what?! Are we all masochists? Gluttons for punishment?

Nope. We’re just human.

Sometimes these differences in communication are due to gender specific tendencies (women tend to crave more verbal affirmation than men, for example), sometimes it’s a matter of opposites attracting, and sometimes it’s the idea of the good old fashioned chase. Again, any of these options can be applied to relationships beyond the romantic.

Chapman goes so far as to claim that not understanding one another’s love language is the root cause for almost all divorces. As previously mentioned, I’m no relationship expert and I’ve never been married, so I don’t know if this is true.

But I do know that being aware of the other person’s language helps ease the question of, Why don’t they understand what I want? When we know how the other person likes to receive love, it’s much easier to give it to them.

This need to be understood is so strong that some could argue the case for a Sixth Language.

My best friend has a theory that there’s another Love Language: Paying Attention.

The idea behind the language of Paying Attention is that you know someone so well that you know what he/she wants without having to be told.

I’m not sure if this occurs only after we’ve spent so much time with a person that we don’t have to guess their preferences, or if this is purely based on intuition, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

Why should anyone care?

Like I wrote in my Philosophy Statement, what humans desire most is to matter.

We all want to be heard, understood, and appreciated.

By being more aware of how we want to be loved (you can substitute “love” for words like “respected,” “admired,” “treated”), we can better express our needs to others.

And by desiring to know the love languages of others, we can take the first steps toward understanding what they need from us.

The people in your life want to matter whether they are your boss or your clients, your best friend or your lover, your parent or your child.

So show them a little love.

I guarantee you’ll receive a whole lot back in return.

* * * * *

Monica McCarthyMonica McCarthy is the founder of SHOW & TELL, an online home with the purpose of inspiring people to find and share their own story. A former Broadway, television, and film actress, Monica is also an on-stage and on-camera public speaking coach specializing in helping bloggers and entrepreneurs create engaging video content and stellar keynote speeches. Based in New York City, Monica has led a series of successful Get Unstuck workshops for creatives, entrepreneurs, and artists. She is currently writing the chapters of her own story by traveling (next stop: a one-way ticket to Thailand), writing, running, and meeting incredible people along the way. Follow Monica on Twitter and Facebook to learn more.

Filed Under: book review, guest posts, Read & Play Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 7 Comments