I’ve always taken great pride in doing what I say I’m going to do – even if it no longer makes sense, even if I start to wish I’d said no in the first place. To do otherwise would be…flaky. And I hate flaky.
But, as I wrote to a friend recently, I’m creating a new relationship with flakiness.
I’ve realized that the ability to change course isn’t a hallmark of unreliability; conducted gracefully, it’s all about freedom and flexibility.
I’ve taken stock of all the areas where I place my energy and found that some of them just aren’t getting the results I want. And more importantly, they aren’t making me feel the way I want to feel: free.
I’ve been steadily clearing out those projects and promises from my life, but before I let each one go, the taskmaster voice in my mind whispers, “Tsk tsk, so flaky of you! You said you’d do this daily/indefinitely/until you succeeded…”
It’s tempting to hang onto that strange comfort of commitment and staying busy, but in the end it feels far more exciting and freeing to let go.
To that end, I’ve been slowly dismantling my small business over the past few months.
I woke up to find that I resented working on top of my other work, and that the thing I’d created in order to feel free was weighing me down, was preventing me from being present to other aspects of my life. Not only that, but I’d gotten myself tied deep into a business model that wouldn’t, even upon success, create the kind of life I truly wanted.
Letting go in that situation seems like a no-brainer. But charting another course is hard, especially when I confuse freedom and unreliability, or have connected some of my personal identity with my work.
So I let go piece by piece, responsibly, and with grace. With each letting go, I checked in: does this feel right? And it did. So I kept on.
I know there’s a path to what I want out there for me, and I’m clearing space for it. In the meantime, I’m chasing the feelings of freedom I desire through sunshine, adventure, beach trips, and snuggling my son. In short, I’m taking a break.
This will be my last post for Scoutie Girl. I’ve loved the opportunity to write here and commune with all of you. Thank you.
Before I go, let me offer my parting shot:
Are there things in your life you want to let go? What’s holding you back?
Are you getting what you want from your endeavors? Are you feeling the way you hoped to feel?
If not, what can you change?
With lots of love,