July 24, 2012

Conversations With My Critic

Girl Reading by Belafonte

When was the last time you told yourself that what you were making, writing, or doing was not good enough?

I was 19 when I began to realize that the chatter in my head was not the truth. In an eating disorder treatment center, the therapists’ goal was to help us all understand that the voices telling us to stop eating, to work out more, to purge, to take diet pills – those voices in our own heads – were not being honest with us. They were our inner critics, and they were speaking entirely from a place of fear and insecurity.

It was an incredible gift for me – at that age – to begin to understand that the negative stories I was telling myself were not actually true. Instead, they were the frightened chatter of the most insecure parts of myself. And I could choose not to listen to them.

So when I heard the cadence of “I’m not enough,” I began to recognize it as thought rather than truth.

Later, in my mid-twenties, I worked with my therapist on discovering why I had developed the “I’m not enough” voice in the first place. We talked a lot about how it had once been a somewhat useful coping mechanism, a way to protect myself from potential external pain. If I told myself that I wasn’t pretty enough, it wouldn’t hurt so badly when I didn’t get asked to the sixth-grade dance. Or if my internal voice said I wasn’t smart enough, then getting a low grade wasn’t a shock.

The problem is that the inner critic, just like anyone, gets better with practice. And it’s a game stopper. Eventually it becomes stronger than any potential outside critiques, and you stop creating, writing, doing – before you even start. What’s the point? You’ve convinced yourself you’re not good enough.

The thing about the critic, though, is that it’s not mean – it’s not trying to hurt you. It’s scared. Like a little 11 year-old who is afraid of not getting asked to the dance. Instead of fighting against my inner critic or trying to ignore it, my therapist encouraged me to treat it like the frightened 11 year-old it is, to engage it in a little mini-conversation that goes something like this:

Critic: No one is going to connect with this blog post you’re writing. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Me: Oh Critic, thank you for being there when I needed you to protect me. But I’m actually okay now. And I’m really excited to share this.

Critic: It’s going to suck.

Me: I know you’re scared about that, but you can relax. I’ve got this.

Perhaps reading this little dialogue, you think I’m crazy. Maybe I am, but having these little mini-conversations has helped me push through those days when I have trouble trusting my own abilities. And as someone attempting to grow a creative business, there are an unfortunate number of those. If I didn’t give my inner critic a little vacation – let it know that its services are no longer needed – I’d never get anywhere.

Almost 13 years after being formally introduced to my inner critic, I’ve accepted that it’s not going away.

And when I’m making real creative progress is when it’s most likely to pop up and derail things because those times of progress are the most vulnerable – right before I hit the publish button on a new blog post or tell someone about my creative ideas or upload an item to my etsy shop.

And when it shows up in those moments, I know just what to say.

Thanks.

I got this.

Filed Under: Plot Notes Tagged With: , , 20 Comments
December 14, 2010

how to understand your inner critic

fine art photograph by julien denoyer - click image to view more

How often do you hear that voice inside that likes to tell you you’re not good enough? That your ideas aren’t fresh enough? That your clothes aren’t cute enough or your blog isn’t designy enough?

If you’re like me, you hear it all the time. Seriously.

Here are the end of the year, looking back over what I’ve accomplished, what I need to wrap up, and what I need to do going forward, that voice is practically screaming at me. Do you hear her?

I know you do because I hear from so many struggling with this through my free Creating Action ecourse. It’s hard to take the first step when something inside is yelling that you’re not good enough.

Luckily, I got a tip.

Meet Tara Sophia Mohr. Aside from having a kick ass name, Tara Sophia is a graduate of Yale & the Stanford Business School and a wise living coach. She agreed to answer a few key questions about life with our inner critics:

The first point you make in your keys to leaving a B+ life is to “forge a unique path.” I couldn’t agree more! But the inner critic likes to tell me all about my “unique ideas.” Chiefly that they’re unique because they’re bad. Do you have a tip for setting our uniqueness free from the grasp of our inner critic?

Our inner critics absolutely show up when we start to live our uniqueness. We can plan on hearing from them! They make all kinds of mean arguments to try and stop us: “That idea is lame.” “It’s been done before.” “This isn’t the appropriate time or context to share it…” “

The inner critic’s goal is to keep us safe from emotional risk. When we share (or even think about sharing) our authentic selves, the inner critic’s alarm bells go off: “ALERT! Risk of potentially painful failure or rejection!”

1. When you hear your inner critic, imagine a more powerful, successful you – you 20 years out in the future. Check in with that person, and ask him/her how she sees the situation at hand. What would he or she have you do in this moment?

2. Say “thanks but no thanks.” Demonizing or arguing with the inner critic is a losing battle – don’t go there! Instead, say with compassion to that fearful part of you, “Thank you so much for your input. I know you are doing your best to protect me from any possible harm. However, I’ve got this one covered. You have the day off.”

My inner critic often takes the form of cultural demands. Do more. Buy more. Think of yourself less. Spend more time with family. Put others first, self second. How have you shielded yourself from cultural demands to live a wiser life?

Yes. There are inner critic voices that come out of our individual experiences, and inner critic voices that come out of social norms or cultural expectations. Women get the message from the culture that our value comes from “putting others first” and also from our likability.

One thing that is very effective is creating a character for that inner critic voice. Ask yourself, if it were a person, who would it be? Perhaps a character from film or literature, or someone from your life. What does she look like? What is she wearing? What’s her name?

Let’s say you decide to name this particular strand of your inner critic “Miss Martyr.” Then, over a week or two, spend time just getting to know “Miss Martyr.” What are her most frequently voiced beliefs? What’s her worst fear? If you listened to her for the next twenty years, how would you end up?

It sounds silly, but it works. When we personify our inner critics, which everyone will have the opportunity to do in the Inner Critic Clinic, we can identify them when they show up. We can clearly separate their voices from our own best thinking. That’s where the power lies.

And this can be fun! Our inner critics are irrational, and when we create characters for them, we can see the humor in the crazy thing they tell us!

When I’m on the path of a new idea or project, I try to tell myself to “follow my gut.” If something feels right, do it. If it doesn’t don’t. Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes my inner critic plays the role of it-doesn’t-feel-right and I get confused! How have you learned to tell the difference between your gut & your inner critic in your own life?

It is tricky – great question. There are several distinguishing features of the inner critic voice, all of which we’ll be covering in the course. For example, our critics are very repetitive. Their voices usually sound rushed, anxious, and frantic. They make definite pronouncements about the way things are and never show curiosity. If the voice I’m hearing has several of those inner critic attributes, I know it’s probably the inner critic.

Another tool I use is this: if I’m having a strong “DON’T DO IT!” feeling, but am not sure if that’s my inner critic or my gut instinct, I’ll imagine doing the thing. If I notice I feel terrified (particularly of failure or rejection) as I imagine it, I know it’s just my inner critic saying “DON’T DO IT!” If I feel a strong sense of being off track or compromising myself, I’d then look more at what my gut instinct might be telling me.

Last one. In one of your recent blog posts, you said that you often ask clients, “What do you want?” So I’m going to ask you: What do YOU want to get out of your Inner Critic Clinic?

In my coaching practice, I’ve watched dozens of people experience life–changing effects from just a few sessions of work on their inner critics. To be honest, I was shocked again and again to see how dramatic the effects were: more confidence, more bold action without fear. Less needless suffering. An open channel for their brilliance to flow out to the world. What I want out of the Inner Critic Clinic is to give more people an access point to that transformation.

——

Thanks, Tara!

If you’d like to learn more about how to leave your inner critic behind in 2011, check out Tara’s virtual workshop.

Filed Under: creative thinkers Tagged With: , 7 Comments
October 22, 2010

the dangerous spiral of criticism & how to claw your way back out

downward spiral earrings

We’ve been socialized to prioritize harmony and not create conflict.
– Tara Sophia Mohr

Being creative – being an artist – opens you up to criticism. Presenting unique ideas to the world, telling a compelling story, or sharing a work of art will always unsettle people who are comfortable with the status quo. Unsettled people say unkind things.

Tara Sophia Mohr offers two excellent questions to consider when dealing with criticism.

1.) What am I making the criticism mean? In order words, are you accepting the criticism at face value & analyzing as such? Or are you turning it into an accusation against yourself?

2.) How does this criticism touch upon a negative belief I hold about myself? Does the criticism hurt more because it affirms something you already believe is a deficiency?

But when dealing with your creativity, there’s a third question to consider.

3.) How can this feedback improve my idea?

Criticism strings like a bee. And the anaphylactic shock that follows can shut you down. But criticism can also help you kick start a better idea, a more meaningful personal expression.

Criticism can help prepare you for the conflict that true brilliance will always bring.

As an artist, your work – your ideas – your style are an extension of your deepest feelings about yourself, a tangible representation of your YOUness. Even the most well meaning criticisms – from friends, family, lovers – can feel like they’re tearing you down. And we are adept at scratching our own wounds.

When we don’t examine criticism for at its face value, it leads to self-consciousness.

Self-consciousness, however, does hinder the experience of the present.
– Annie Dillard

Instead of reaching for big, bigger, biggest, we reach for safe & allowable. Self-consciousness refuses to let you create art. It only allows for “nice.” Ew.

Self-consciousness veils our experience, deadens our vision.

To create your best work, you have to shake off the veil of self-consciousness and become open to the world in a way that is fresh & new.

Every experience is an opportunity to inform you life’s work of art.

Self-consciousness feels icky and it forces us to do things we don’t really want to do. Just say no to self-consciousness and you’re on the way to a freer creative experience.

Instead of thinking about what you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail, maybe a better question is… what’s truly worth doing, whether you fail or succeed?
– Chris Guillebeau

Whether dealing with ciriticms or self-consciousness, our main fear is failure.

If your wildest dreams succeeded, you wouldn’t be concerned with the occasional criticism or a nagging self-consciousness. You would revel in your success and begin planning for your next success.

But creative people fail. A lot.

And criticism & self-consciousness remind us of that. This paralyzes us, we are helpless to act, create, or express ourselves.

Inaction – or safe action – doesn’t change lives. Inaction doesn’t make dreams come true. Inaction doesn’t even lead to small successes.

Inaction leads to mediocrity – mediocrity just causes more criticism and self-consciousness.

It’s a nasty cycle. But you can claw your way back out. And you’ll have to. None of us are immune to the ravages of the cycle. It’s a disease that infects our creativity and sickens our spirit.

You can work against each segment of the cycle as you recognize it. Or you can work on creating your own upward cycle as part of your creative process.

  • Step 1. Accept that criticism is a necessary and welcome part of the creative process.
  • Step 2. Shed the self-consciousness that comes from negative perceptions of criticism. Experience the world with wild abandon.
  • Step 3. Recognize failure as part of the process and act on your ideas as if it doesn’t matter.

At one time or another, we all find ourselves sucked into the dangerous cycle of criticism. Criticism leading to self-consciousness leading to inaction. But we can (must!) claw ourselves back out, reclaim our own freedom to create, and make peace with the criticism we receive.

How have you been affected negatively by criticism? And how have you turned the experience into a positive one? Tell me in the comments.

{ downward spiral earrings by freeforged }

Filed Under: creativity, personality Tagged With: , , , , 24 Comments