This post is personal; a manifesto, of sorts.
I’ve been fighting a battle for a few months now. Really, for years.
An internal battle. Trust me, those are the worse kinds of battles.
Three years ago, when I was starting my business, I struggled between showing my personality or being corporate and overly professional.
It’s something I’ve always struggled with.
I never felt quite corporate enough when working for a corporate technology firm with my Target jewelry and unstraightened hair and sometimes I felt too stuffy in more familial environments with my weird, zany ideas of making things like “calendars,” “goals,” and “action plans.”
When I started my business, I didn’t know if I should say “we” or “I” when I talked about my company.
“We” felt professional, but false.
But it was more than just jargon.
My true battle was over whether or not to show myself to the world.
Especially when certain people in my life only get a certain piece of the “Tivi equation.” How would they respond when they saw a different side of me? Or the whole package? One that’s certainly flawed and riddled with inconsistencies.
I’m so many things to lots of people and I often don’t know how to present my different sides without feeling like I am betraying another part of me.
I’m an ex-wife, a daughter, a client, a friend, a mentor, whatever. And sometimes these things conflict, which would send my simple little mind into (robot voice) “cannot compute” mode.
I was afraid if I showed my true, conflicted, but whole self to the world, no one would like it.
Insecurities, “unsurities” (I know that’s not a word, but screw it, I like it better than “doubts”), and fear are a part of life (and business) and sometimes they can really mess with your head.
Yes, I can be very corporate and professional, but I also curse like an f’n sailor and am known to make crude gestures.
Yes, I like to inspire people, I LOVE Oprah, but I also like to tell you when you’re being a loser.
Yes, I love productivity, results, and making money doing what I love. I also like sitting on my butt watching 30 Rock, or spending massive amounts of time daydreaming when I KNOW I should be working.
Yes, I’m black *gasp,* but I usually avoid Tyler Perry movies and love John Mayer songs.
Yes, I complain about how violent cartoons are, how over-sexed toys for young girls are, but I also laugh my head off when my male friends make inappropriate phallic jokes.
Yes, I’m 28. And I’m probably young enough to be your kid. Yeah, me and Mark Zuckerberg.
I realize now that I can’t be everything to everyone.
I can’t. And I don’t want to be.
I just want to be me.
Tivi – the chick who loves digital analytics, web coding, social media, marketing jargon, and business magazines, but who also loves reading and writing romance novels and making bad jokes.
Tivi – The chick who loves parenting magazines and can’t wait to be a mother, but who also hides her stashes of candy from her nephews so they won’t see her delicious almond dark chocolate promises and ask to have some. Those things are like $6 a bag and I don’t want to share, damnit!
I have to choose to be me over everything else.
It’s kind of the point of my business. Inspiring people to turn their passions into profit. Inspiring people to be themselves, in order to have happier, more fulfilling lives.
Ha! I’m just getting that!
Those who can, do. Those who can’t…well…nevermind.
My point is, from this day forward, I choose to let my personality shine through. Tell my story, the way I want to tell it.
It’ll take time to let go of all my nasty little insecure habits, but I choose to actively work at letting my personality shine through wherever I am.
I choose to be me.
And I’m not just writing all this to purge what I’m feeling, although it’s damn therapeutic.
I’m writing this for you too.
If you’ve ever been at the point in your life when the different sides of your personality conflict, or you find that you’re living a life that isn’t really your own and you’re too afraid of what others may think to change it.
If you’re stuck in a mold that you didn’t even make for yourself.
Think about it. Do people close to you really know you? Do you really know yourself?
I don’t have it all figured out, but I acknowledge that I’m a complicated human being and that’s what makes me unique.
I’m an often polite, Christian, southern belle who believes love is love and EVERYONE has the right to marry the adult of their choosing.
I’m a digital media, Harry Potter-loving geek who loves fashion, home decorating, and knows way too much about hairweave.
I’m a woman who cries during sappy movies, or while watching the news, but loves to play football in the mud and misses the days when I was just “one of the boys” with my brothers.
I’m a journalism school graduate who can’t spell or spell-check to save her life. “I before E, except after–Screw it! Where’s my dikshunery?”
I’m a small business owner who wants to give you timeless kick-in-the-pants advice to inspire not just your business, but your life, while using soon-to-be dated references to Vampire Diaries and Snoop Dogg.
I’m inconsistently normal, but consistently me.
Like it or leave it.
I can’t fit neatly into any mold. And I’m not trying to any more.
Unless it’s a “Tivi mold” because then, well, I’d probably fit.