Down the Rabbit Hole by Stephanie M. Bracciano
Depression. No one wants to hear about it. But I’m not on about the ugly nuts and bolts of the bottom of the bottom, and not the clinical diagnosis. Not the other one, either, that goes something like, “I’m so depressed that my favourite chocolate store closed down!” (Note: this is sadness. Maybe disappointment. Check out Danielle LaPorte’s thoughtful separation of the two and come back, just so we’re all on the same page here.)
I’m talking about what it’s like to know my own early signs that depression is calling, and what I do about it. And let me start by announcing that I am in no way a medical professional. I had an experience, and I have learned a lot from it, and that’s the foundation of all that follows.
Background: I survived a three-year, need-help-to-leave-the-bed-for-the-couch depression, and I can now see how I had wrangled my way through milder depressions before. My prognosis includes “high risk of relapse,” and it’s my goal to prove this wrong. I’m not here to talk about how bad it can get, but rather, to talk about how to recognize when the rabbit hole door is swinging wide-open with a “JUMP DOWN NOW!” flashing neon sign out front and warm, flaky, chocolate croissants just inside (I’m a sucker for chocolate croissants: the full-of-butter, freshly-baked kind). And then to learn how to not jump down it.
Are my early signs like yours? If so, then maybe some of this can help.
For me, I know something’s starting to go haywire when I feel like I can’t accomplish anything. Now, it’s important to remember that it’s a feeling: I may actually be accomplishing a lot, but I feel like I’m not. This feeling is often accompanied by slow moving, thinking, and talking, and generally feeling dull.
The truth: Most people have higher days and lower days.
Part of depression recovery for me was tracking every teeny tiny change in mood or feeling; it became a habit, so that I could identify positive or negative change. That isn’t so super-helpful now. It actually feels pretty bad, like I’m neurotically charting every bump and fart in my mood and on alert to panic if something feels low. I’m feeling pretty healthy now, and when I have a “lower” day, I have learned to hit a mental override that says, “Remember: Other people do, too. It’s just a day.”
Next early sign that things are going haywire: it’s super hard to do the mental override. The self-talk loop starts saying, “You’re getting unproductive. In fact, you really haven’t done anything productive in ages.” If I don’t catch this and change it, it leads to, “You’re actually kind of worthless and never really have done anything useful.” This is the rabbit hole! There is nothing good down here!
Useful (to me) turnarounds
I stay alert for that first “You’re so unproductive” script. I know the difference between the helpful one (the one telling me that the coffee break really should end after 45 minutes of gabbing about my latest kale chips recipe* and how it’s so awesome. This really is inappropriate when I’m supposed to be working) and the unhelpful, destructive one. When I hear the destructive one, I summon all of my strength to get it out. I tell it, “No, you’re wrong. This is a lower moment, and is perfectly okay.”
I go for a walk. I know, we’ve all heard it a million times, but it really does change something. I like to think that it jiggles the unhelpful thought around and shakes it out of my brain.
Or, I grab a friend for a walk and not talk about it. Talking about it sinks me deeper sometimes, so purposefully talking about something else — best: something in their life — can shift the destructive thoughts.
I smell something good. I know, it’s weird. But sometimes even digging out the awesome hand lotion or putting on some tingly mint lip balm does something.
I stop and dance. This has taken some training, as I am not, and never have been, a dancer. But I have a fledgling list of songs that I can pull up and play that force me to shake. Even just a little bit. Partially because it is so ridiculous (me, dancing?) and partially because they are happy songs, something shifts.
I don’t need it to be scientific. I just need the low-mood early-signs-of-depression to shift. Because nothing really good is down that rabbit hole, especially not the lame chocolate croissants.
Down the road, I’ll talk about preventative and ongoing good-health habits that have worked for me, but for now, tell me: Is there anything that you do when you see your early warning signs rearing up? Is there anything that helps you to determine what is an early warning sign for you?
*The secret to the most delicious kale chips is in the nutritional flake yeast. Add it to olive oil, lemon juice, and garlic; massage the kale with your hands until each leaf is completely coated; then spread on your dehydrator racks that your kind friend gave you as a housewarming present and dehydrate for a few hours until those yummy veggies are super crispy. De-lish!
Potentially helpful online resources, if you’re feeling the rabbit-hole-tug and aren’t sure what’s going on
- Simple Mayo Clinic depression self-assessment link.
- Beliefnet Beyond Blue series by Therese Borchard, who talks about what it’s like to have bipolar disorder.
About Lori-Ann Claerhout
I too am a survivor. But I’m ever wary. I never want to go back there. When I feel “it”, crawling from the depths of my being, scratching to the surface…I need to truly immerse myself in activities that bring me great joy, spend time with people who encourage, and go for a run…a long one.
And I have a tattoo on my wrist that I got in the midst of the darkness several years ago that reminds me WHO I belong to. Then, and only then, can I pull myself from the depths into the light!
http://studiojewel.blogspot.com/2012/01/depression-continuing-story.html
Lisa ~ I have tattoos on my wrist too…one is for my daughter, one is to remind me of my journey and travels, and one is to remember to breath and the feelings of internal peace I strive for.
I love seeing you here spreading your wise loving words Lori-Ann. I think this is smart advice for anyone, whether or not they struggle with diagnosed depression, those rabbit holes lie in wait for all of us. The chocolate croissants & soft enveloping sadness are just so damn inviting. Every once in awhile I let myself crawl in and nest in that place for one day, reading trashy novels and eating those croissants in my pj’s. But only for one day (okay maybe two) then the world calls and I go back out into the light. Thank you for sharing your tools and strategies for shining a flashlight into the dark holes we carry around in our hearts. They might be okay to visit for a day or two but they are no place to build a home in. (ps. I adore you!)
This post speaks to me in many ways!
Thank you for opening up and sharing.
I couldn’t agree more about music, minty lip balm and a great hand lotion to do wonders for a dark moment! Crazy isn’t it?
I look forward to reading your preventative and good health habits!
LOVE THIS. I too feel those nagging signs… I need to make a solid list I think too. Brilliant self awareness. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Lori! As someone who has had deep depression before (and struggles to stave it off every day), I agree that there needs to be more said about this.
Warning signs for me that my depression is rearing its ugly head are:
1) Just wanting to stay in my room all day, blinds and door closed, shirking all responsibilities, when I’m not even doing anything besides clicking between tabs on the computer hoping Twitter will update or something. That usually means that I must get up and out of my room, even if it’s for 5 minutes, for a glass of water, pet the cat, something like that.
2) A barrage of “you’re not good enough,” “you’re a failure,” etc. etc. I have those thoughts like everyone else, but sometimes my inner critic gets to be too much. I have found it helpful to personify her. Her name is Isabella, she has long, luxurious red hair and sparking green eyes and she looks great in slinky black dresses. She’s basically everything I wanted to be when I was younger. Now, though? I don’t want to be anyone other than ME. And Isabella is so far removed from me in looks and personality that I can look at her and think, “That’s not me. That’s not who I want to be.”
So when she starts harping on at me about how I can’t do anything right, I tell her calmly, like a parent or teacher, “Thank you for your input, Isabella, but I think I can do this myself. Why don’t you go back to your corner and have some quiet time?”
This makes me feel like I’m in control of my inner critic; it works wonders for me.
So… that’s what works for me. I hope that can help someone else.
Thanks again for this post, and I look forward to the next!
I look around and wonder if I’m the only one who has to be on constant guard against the temptation to go down the rabbit hole. I’m working on it, noticing when those useless messages seem so necessary. I like it that you are sharing coping skills. Getting off on one of those tangents really is such a bad use of time, but at the time you feel like you have to go deeper inside so you can work out those thoughts. WRONG! Go for a walk or bike ride, listen to happy music. Thanks so much for bringing this up.
Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel like part of a community. For me, when the signs are there ….. Loss of joy, pre-occupation with myself (aches and pains, emotional and physical), nothing is funny, not taking phone calls, not answering emails, not blogging, fear of going “down the rabbit hole”… Once I become aware I try to make sure that I am eating right, getting a little exercise, go ride my horse, make myself call some friends that I know will laugh, avoid negative people and situations even if I’m married to one. Haha That’s not all just some. Terah
Love that I’m not the only one that is or has been “tracking every teeny tiny change in mood or feeling”. Fantastic article – thanks for sharing. xoxo
This is like a breath of fresh air to me today, Lori-ann. It’s still kind of a taboo subject, so people don’t discuss it openly enough.
I’m with you, although my darkest days have all had more to do with manic anxiety than low-energy depression. The cruel inner messages I can directly relate to.
You know, I’m not affiliated with him or anything, but Russ Harris’s book “The Happiness Trap”" (http://amzn.to/NxTACM) is an amazing read. I’m currently going through it for the second time because it’s so strongly affected how I perceive mood, happiness, and fulfillment.
I am still walking around the woods falling into the rabbit hole, as I have for the past 12 years, but I totally agree with some of your points. The walking one especially. If however, the idea makes you cry that you have to go for a walk because you are “crazy” try NOT going for a walk, but going for some milk, or to the library. Or even just to check in on a friend who is working late and might need a coffee dropped off or something. That way there is a purpose, a reason and you can’t feel useless that way.
hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
This blog post is amazing and makes you feel like part of a big family – you are not alone
Wow. Thanks, everyone, for your kind encouragement and helpful sharing. Thanks for being so open to the discussion. I am truly sorry to hear about others’ rough patches. We are in this together, for sure–this is real life, with both the rough and the shining.
xo
I am teetering on the edge of the rabbit hole as we speak. I am fine when I am around people, but the problem is that I live alone and work from home. The more I sit on my couch and look at the work I should be doing, the worse I feel.
Realistically, I know I am not alone in feeling this way, but it was so nice to know hear about it from someone else. Thank you for putting yourself out there!
Hi Michelle, Just crawling out of the hole myself. Going to a friend’s house for 24 hours letting our kids play together seemed like a great distraction to me. She asked me to stay on for another night. I did and feel much more positive now. We’re both artists and bounced ideas off eachother. We had intended to experiment with new materials but ended up just talking about ideas and techniques. Helped both of us. It is wise to take time off when we need it in order to be more effective. I also have a small dog to get me out whether I feel like it or not. Other dogwalkers are inclined to pass the time of day which helps to offset the isolation. Bit like this site really. As I’ve been told often over the years – Be kind to yourself. Besides the world sill still be there when you return. Big hug. Chel
I love the honesty in your post. It makes me want to sit with you and drink coffee and talk about art, great books, anything…or just sit beside you quietly. So many times I feel the need to go inward and then I can come back out again. I have kept a journal all my life. That really helps. Exercise is something I need for sanity too. Makes a huge difference for me. xoxox
I was diagnosed with PPD three years ago, but I’ve been depressed since my early teens… always battling with the voice in my head that I’m not good enough, that no one would want anything to do with me, that there’s no point in doing anything. I hate knowing that they’re still there, waiting for a quiet moment where they can pop up and wreak havoc again.
I had a wonderful doctor who recommended natural vitamin D – sunlight! – to help with my depression. It’s not a cure, but it’s a help, and it forces me to get outside and do something, anything, that’s different than what I was doing that started me on the spiral downward. It’s that shift of focus that seems to help me get away from what was dragging me down for a bit. There’s always that worry that I’ll end up in the same place again, struggling to keep from sinking, but I can’t let it consume me.
Thank you for this
Gosh i can really relate to your article, having grown up with a mother who suffered with depression and having really struggled with depression myself, this current episode being the worst. I try to help myself by using a vitamin D spray (really helps my mood), forcing myself to do an exercise dvd and makng frame handbags. Forcing myself to make something really helps the mind concentate on something else other than the negative thoughts. I also use a few drops of Rosemary oil in my bath water and if i’m struggling with sleeping i use Camomile tea (soothes anxious thoughts). Keep fighting it and try to build pockets of happiness {things that make you feel a bit better) into your daily life. Sending out a BIG HUG to all who are struggling with this illness as i really know how you feel. xxx
Big hug to you too. Wise words. Chel
Thank you all for showing up, your tips, and for “talking about it.”
Lisa–keep steady with joy, your encouragers, and running.
Jen–yes, remember the important stuff.
Jessika–thank you–there is a time for most things.
Mercedes–thank you for showing up and being in the world.
AmyQ–think about making a list on your best sparkling day, and it’ll be there for you when you feel a little lower.
Leah–thank you for joining the conversation, and I love how you keep that green-eyed redhead in check.
Shelly–you are not the only one.
CowgirlRed–yes, you are a part of the community. Thanks for your good suggestions.
Laurie–you are in good company.
Stephanie–thanks for the recommendations. I am happy to send fresh air your way.
Lola–yes, treat yourself kindly. You are not “crazy.”
Michelle–you are not alone, and do know what’s best.
Colleen–thank you for your honesty right back. (And sitting together, quietly or noisily, sounds beautiful.)
Stacey–yes, the shift in focus can do wonders.
Kathy O–thank you for your tips and love.
Am totally in the pit this week and really needed to read this. Thank you <3
Laura–I’m happy to hear that reading this came at a good time. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Lori-Ann, it is always great to see depression being discussed. I shared my thoughts and experiences here earlier this summer:
http://www.scoutiegirl.com/2012/06/tooling-around-a-heavy-tool-talk.html
and again:
http://www.scoutiegirl.com/2012/06/not-tooling-around-a-never-a-plain-guide-for-finding-a-therapist.html#comments
I didn’t hear from as many readers as you, but I am seeing the same response – people need to know more about depression, what it is, and the many many approaches to handling it. Thanks for keeping the conversation going!
J-
Janice! You were my inspiration for finally reaching out and pitching the idea to Scoutie! Thank you for posting your links, and for opening the depression discussion.
Just thanks Lori-Ann, and Janice. As I wrote in a reply above, just coming out of a recent visit to the rabbit hole. Synchronicity in action. After 3 decades experience of depression – on and off – I’ve had plenty of time to look around and learn to manage it. The best resource I’ve found to date is Sue Atkinson’s book: Climbing Out of Depression; Lion Publishing, England and Australia, 1993. You might get lucky with a second-hand copy. Glad to see the issue raised in a positive way. Hugs to you boht. Chel.
Thanks for jumping in, Chel, and for adding your helpful resource. I’m happy to hear that things are looking brighter for you, and it sounds like you also have some good tools and skills for helping yourself and supporting others. I think that the more we can talk about it, the better off everyone is.